Can't sleep because suddenly excited about going skating and/or cuddling with A.

SO I'm pretty sure I've been listening to C flirt with her new love interest for the last two hours. I guess this is what comes with rooming beside the girl who you asked out and who turned you down. Oh well -- it's not like I have any entitlement to C anyways. She can do what she likes. And if I'm jealous -- well, that's my own darn fault, now ain't it?

So C and I are living in the same building again, like last year, but she's in the room beside me. I've moved on, though of course sometimes I think about her and I blush a little. Moving on doesn't mean that everything just disappears. We're good friends now, though I wonder if we could have been closer friends had I not gone and told her about my gigantic crush on her. I feel like there is some restraint in our relationship because she knows I had a crush on her.

This is the exact reason why I'm cautious of overthinking my relationship with A. We're very good friends! I'd say A is one of my best friends that I've made at university (along with another A, another C, and some others). I think I've started to overthink my relationship, and I wonder if I'm overthinking myself into a crush. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship for such a silly reason as this.

I came out to her and told her that I liked her all in one bawling night. She turned me down, very gently. I was terrible and emotional and I feel so awful because she looked like she felt awful for turning me down because I was upset and if you ever read this, I'm so so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and  I totally respect your decision and I'm sorry.

Anyways, sometimes I feel fucking fantastic for coming out/telling her.
And then sometimes I don't.

Not sure?

Number of friends to whom I am out out: 4
Number of friends to whom I am ambiguous and super likely queer: 1
Number of friends to whom I am ambiguous and probably queer: 4

Also, she asked for a hug today and it was so lovely. Made me super happy!!!
Also, I think I'm a little jealous of her ex... They are hanging out again, a bit. And I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't like feeling this way!

I keep getting this overwhelming feeling to tell people that I'm queer. I don't know if I can say for sure that I'm gay because I don't know. I think I am, but I don't know.
And looking back on it all, its been quite a few years since my first crush on a girl. Now that some time has past and my frustration and anger and stress about having crushes on girls is starting to pass, I just feel like announcing it to my friends and then continuing on with life as normal! This is a weird feeling.

She says things sometimes that makes me feel like she's not at all interested in me as a potential romantic interest. She'll say things like she hates it when a friend confesses love to her and so 'ruins the friendship.' But then she'll say that if she likes someone, she'll keep it to herself. And that she's frustrated because we do often keep it to ourselves. So maybe I should tell her. But maybe I shouldn't.

I feel like my time is ticking because this Friday is the day where she goes TO MEET OTHER LGBTQ KIDS and I know she's looking for others and maybe I should ask her before hand or maybe--I don't know!

I have a total crush on her. My goodness. At least my sexuality crisis went quite smoothly. (This does not include the process of coming out... which hasn't yet happened yet. I hope it goes as smoothly.)

Although, just for the record, I doubt that I'm 100% gay any more than I am 100% heterosexual.
And, just for the record, I'm curious about whether there might be a bit of asexuality but maybe not.

She's just so beautiful. And what a darling she is. Brilliant, kind, charismatic! And my goodness, if you could hear her play the harmonica the way she played mine for me last night, you'd have a little crush on her too.

Here's a secret. I just desperately want to share mutual love and intimacy, not necessarily sex, just... intimacy.

A few months ago, I blogged about a dream I had in which I was engaged to be married to a girl named Clare. Clare was the girl's nickname; her actual name was sexually ambiguous.

As it turns out, I met a girl about a month after that dream. Her real name is Claire, and the nickname is sexually ambiguous. She's really cool, and I really like her, but she's in a relationship already. And I'm very happy for her. :)

Funny the way these things happen, though, don't you think?

If you were my keys, where would you hide?

I de-activated my Tumblr blog during exam season and now I've reverted to this blog, which is rather nice because on this blog, I don't re-blog things. I actually write things.

Today, for example, I'm having one of those days where I've dressed up...
and now I don't feel like getting out of my pretty (on sale) dress because it makes me feel pretty!

But I guess I'll change into sweats and a tank and then I can feel casual/comfy/sexy. Maybe.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I was stupid stupid stupid and went on the suicide tag on tumblr. I don't know why. I think I thought I could do something good by going through the tags and sending the posters encouraging messages. I don't know if I made a difference. I hope I did.

...but now I feel absoluely shitty, and I haven't felt like this since, what, last year?

I want my love back, my adoration for the world. I had it yesterday. How did it slip away so quickly?

How did I let it slip away?

Good God. I have just realized that one of the girls I met here at University is very similar to the girl in my wedding dream. Really, really similar. I think. I'm not sure. Oh.

I had a dream last night where I was engaged to be married on Sept 15th. My fiancee (yes, the double e)'s name was Clare (it was actually something more difficult than that, and also more ambiguous in that it didn't actually give away a sex... Clare was her nickname). I don't know her in real life. She was so sweet and smart and wonderful. Just thinking about her makes me happy.

The thing is, though... I don't think I'm gay? Maybe I am? I don't know.

Sort of sad that the biggest problem I was having in my dream was thinking about how I would tell my father that I'm in love with a girl. I remember being really scared about this. Really nervous. I get the feeling he'd be really upset with me, that I'd disappoint him for being gay in my dream. Or in real life.

I don't know.

I want a Clare to cuddle with. I feel really lonely and scared for my piano exam. I want my Clare to hug and kiss and feel good with.

Cello Exam

I passed my cello exam with an 80%. I had walked out of the exam room fairly certain that I had failed (and fairly certain that on the odd chance that I didn't fail, I would have passed with, at the very most, a 72%), but with a smile on my face because I really could not have cared less. I had such a blast during my exam playing my repertoire (even though I sucked big time on my technique, my etude, my sight reading, and my orchestral excerpts) selections with J, the awesome, awesome pianist who accompanied me!

I'm so ridiculously happy about my result. Not because I really cared about the percentage (if I had cared, I'd have been upset when I walked out of that exam room, rather than feeling like I had just had the most fun I had had in a while!), but because it meant that I could tell my cello teacher that I did well -- even though he said to me right after my exam, right before he left to go to the airport where he was leaving for his holiday, that he was proud of me, regardless of the number.

I think I am hoping that he might say it again, but even if he doesn't, I think I'm just hoping to make him feel it, because I'm so proud to be his student.

My cello exam is tomorrow

and I don't feel ready. At all. I can't yet play all my technical requirements up to speed. Ahhh!

In other news, I made myself a tumblr. I think I might keep that account separate from this one. I think I'll make that one more about my visually artistic endeavors, and this one can be more about my personal life. Maybe it'll turn into an online diary for me to vent my frustrations or something. If you will.

Cute photos

Just befriended a teacher of mine on Facebook and had the absolute pleasure of glancing through some of his photos. Him and his partner (whom I know and adore) are the cutest, most fantastically adorable couple I have ever, ever seen. I feel a little like I've been smothered in joy just looking at photos of them together. Love!