I had a dream last night where I was engaged to be married on Sept 15th. My fiancee (yes, the double e)'s name was Clare (it was actually something more difficult than that, and also more ambiguous in that it didn't actually give away a sex... Clare was her nickname). I don't know her in real life. She was so sweet and smart and wonderful. Just thinking about her makes me happy.

The thing is, though... I don't think I'm gay? Maybe I am? I don't know.

Sort of sad that the biggest problem I was having in my dream was thinking about how I would tell my father that I'm in love with a girl. I remember being really scared about this. Really nervous. I get the feeling he'd be really upset with me, that I'd disappoint him for being gay in my dream. Or in real life.

I don't know.

I want a Clare to cuddle with. I feel really lonely and scared for my piano exam. I want my Clare to hug and kiss and feel good with.

Cello Exam

I passed my cello exam with an 80%. I had walked out of the exam room fairly certain that I had failed (and fairly certain that on the odd chance that I didn't fail, I would have passed with, at the very most, a 72%), but with a smile on my face because I really could not have cared less. I had such a blast during my exam playing my repertoire (even though I sucked big time on my technique, my etude, my sight reading, and my orchestral excerpts) selections with J, the awesome, awesome pianist who accompanied me!

I'm so ridiculously happy about my result. Not because I really cared about the percentage (if I had cared, I'd have been upset when I walked out of that exam room, rather than feeling like I had just had the most fun I had had in a while!), but because it meant that I could tell my cello teacher that I did well -- even though he said to me right after my exam, right before he left to go to the airport where he was leaving for his holiday, that he was proud of me, regardless of the number.

I think I am hoping that he might say it again, but even if he doesn't, I think I'm just hoping to make him feel it, because I'm so proud to be his student.

My cello exam is tomorrow

and I don't feel ready. At all. I can't yet play all my technical requirements up to speed. Ahhh!

In other news, I made myself a tumblr. I think I might keep that account separate from this one. I think I'll make that one more about my visually artistic endeavors, and this one can be more about my personal life. Maybe it'll turn into an online diary for me to vent my frustrations or something. If you will.

Cute photos

Just befriended a teacher of mine on Facebook and had the absolute pleasure of glancing through some of his photos. Him and his partner (whom I know and adore) are the cutest, most fantastically adorable couple I have ever, ever seen. I feel a little like I've been smothered in joy just looking at photos of them together. Love!

Father's Day

It's Father's Day and my dad's flight to leave home (as he usually does) has been booked and my folks are downstairs in the kitchen screaming at each other.

Almost there

My school exams are over, and I'm set to graduate in under six days. Has it settled in yet? I'm not sure. I haven't done everything on my high school bucket list, but maybe it is okay. Maybe it is alright because the purpose of a bucket list isn't to make the individual feel obligated to do everything on the list, let a list of words that she created, let that list of words run her life. No. The bucket list just keeps you thinking, keeps you smiling, keeps you remembering how much you have done and how much you can still do, so it's fine. There isn't a worry, there isn't a pressing sort of speaking saying you-haven't-got-it-all-done. There's no such thing as failure.

Almost done!

Four more days left of high school. We're in the final stretch!