SO I'm pretty sure I've been listening to C flirt with her new love interest for the last two hours. I guess this is what comes with rooming beside the girl who you asked out and who turned you down. Oh well -- it's not like I have any entitlement to C anyways. She can do what she likes. And if I'm jealous -- well, that's my own darn fault, now ain't it?

So C and I are living in the same building again, like last year, but she's in the room beside me. I've moved on, though of course sometimes I think about her and I blush a little. Moving on doesn't mean that everything just disappears. We're good friends now, though I wonder if we could have been closer friends had I not gone and told her about my gigantic crush on her. I feel like there is some restraint in our relationship because she knows I had a crush on her.

This is the exact reason why I'm cautious of overthinking my relationship with A. We're very good friends! I'd say A is one of my best friends that I've made at university (along with another A, another C, and some others). I think I've started to overthink my relationship, and I wonder if I'm overthinking myself into a crush. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship for such a silly reason as this.

I have a total crush on her. My goodness. At least my sexuality crisis went quite smoothly. (This does not include the process of coming out... which hasn't yet happened yet. I hope it goes as smoothly.)

Although, just for the record, I doubt that I'm 100% gay any more than I am 100% heterosexual.
And, just for the record, I'm curious about whether there might be a bit of asexuality but maybe not.

She's just so beautiful. And what a darling she is. Brilliant, kind, charismatic! And my goodness, if you could hear her play the harmonica the way she played mine for me last night, you'd have a little crush on her too.

Here's a secret. I just desperately want to share mutual love and intimacy, not necessarily sex, just... intimacy.

A few months ago, I blogged about a dream I had in which I was engaged to be married to a girl named Clare. Clare was the girl's nickname; her actual name was sexually ambiguous.

As it turns out, I met a girl about a month after that dream. Her real name is Claire, and the nickname is sexually ambiguous. She's really cool, and I really like her, but she's in a relationship already. And I'm very happy for her. :)

Funny the way these things happen, though, don't you think?

If you were my keys, where would you hide?

I de-activated my Tumblr blog during exam season and now I've reverted to this blog, which is rather nice because on this blog, I don't re-blog things. I actually write things.

Today, for example, I'm having one of those days where I've dressed up...
and now I don't feel like getting out of my pretty (on sale) dress because it makes me feel pretty!

But I guess I'll change into sweats and a tank and then I can feel casual/comfy/sexy. Maybe.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I was stupid stupid stupid and went on the suicide tag on tumblr. I don't know why. I think I thought I could do something good by going through the tags and sending the posters encouraging messages. I don't know if I made a difference. I hope I did.

...but now I feel absoluely shitty, and I haven't felt like this since, what, last year?

I want my love back, my adoration for the world. I had it yesterday. How did it slip away so quickly?

How did I let it slip away?

Good God. I have just realized that one of the girls I met here at University is very similar to the girl in my wedding dream. Really, really similar. I think. I'm not sure. Oh.

I had a dream last night where I was engaged to be married on Sept 15th. My fiancee (yes, the double e)'s name was Clare (it was actually something more difficult than that, and also more ambiguous in that it didn't actually give away a sex... Clare was her nickname). I don't know her in real life. She was so sweet and smart and wonderful. Just thinking about her makes me happy.

The thing is, though... I don't think I'm gay? Maybe I am? I don't know.

Sort of sad that the biggest problem I was having in my dream was thinking about how I would tell my father that I'm in love with a girl. I remember being really scared about this. Really nervous. I get the feeling he'd be really upset with me, that I'd disappoint him for being gay in my dream. Or in real life.

I don't know.

I want a Clare to cuddle with. I feel really lonely and scared for my piano exam. I want my Clare to hug and kiss and feel good with.

Cello Exam

I passed my cello exam with an 80%. I had walked out of the exam room fairly certain that I had failed (and fairly certain that on the odd chance that I didn't fail, I would have passed with, at the very most, a 72%), but with a smile on my face because I really could not have cared less. I had such a blast during my exam playing my repertoire (even though I sucked big time on my technique, my etude, my sight reading, and my orchestral excerpts) selections with J, the awesome, awesome pianist who accompanied me!

I'm so ridiculously happy about my result. Not because I really cared about the percentage (if I had cared, I'd have been upset when I walked out of that exam room, rather than feeling like I had just had the most fun I had had in a while!), but because it meant that I could tell my cello teacher that I did well -- even though he said to me right after my exam, right before he left to go to the airport where he was leaving for his holiday, that he was proud of me, regardless of the number.

I think I am hoping that he might say it again, but even if he doesn't, I think I'm just hoping to make him feel it, because I'm so proud to be his student.

My cello exam is tomorrow

and I don't feel ready. At all. I can't yet play all my technical requirements up to speed. Ahhh!

In other news, I made myself a tumblr. I think I might keep that account separate from this one. I think I'll make that one more about my visually artistic endeavors, and this one can be more about my personal life. Maybe it'll turn into an online diary for me to vent my frustrations or something. If you will.

Cute photos

Just befriended a teacher of mine on Facebook and had the absolute pleasure of glancing through some of his photos. Him and his partner (whom I know and adore) are the cutest, most fantastically adorable couple I have ever, ever seen. I feel a little like I've been smothered in joy just looking at photos of them together. Love!

Father's Day

It's Father's Day and my dad's flight to leave home (as he usually does) has been booked and my folks are downstairs in the kitchen screaming at each other.

Almost there

My school exams are over, and I'm set to graduate in under six days. Has it settled in yet? I'm not sure. I haven't done everything on my high school bucket list, but maybe it is okay. Maybe it is alright because the purpose of a bucket list isn't to make the individual feel obligated to do everything on the list, let a list of words that she created, let that list of words run her life. No. The bucket list just keeps you thinking, keeps you smiling, keeps you remembering how much you have done and how much you can still do, so it's fine. There isn't a worry, there isn't a pressing sort of speaking saying you-haven't-got-it-all-done. There's no such thing as failure.

Almost done!

Four more days left of high school. We're in the final stretch!

Visiting my (?) University

I went to visit (again) the university that I'm 99% positive I'm going to go to next year. I'm really excited, and a little nervous. I met some really cool kids today though; they're super funny, very welcoming, and very kind.

Objectivity

Why is it that sometimes I think I can objectively support a point using a personal example, when in all actuality, I can't separate emotions from rationality enough to argue my point?

How long does it take after someone dies before you can talk about it out loud again? (I think I've moved on alright, I really do. I just can't seem to actually say it out loud, straight forward, without skirting around it and saying something like "the time I sang that S McL piece" instead of "when T died." Which is silly, because really, I'm totally fine, and I've come to terms with T, and T's death, and myself. So, why is it that I can't use anything I've learned from that experience as objective fact? I am so frustrated with myself!)

In any case, I cried at school today at a meeting that supposed to be not about me at all, but I accidentally made it about me when I tried using this thing about T as an example supporting my argument... but I never got to deliver the argument because I wimped out because I started crying and got all embarrassed.

This sucks.

But on a brighter note, the meeting went well, as a whole! Next time I will remember to leave all personal examples out of the conversation. Clearly, they are not so helpful at this point in time!