If you were my keys, where would you hide?

I de-activated my Tumblr blog during exam season and now I've reverted to this blog, which is rather nice because on this blog, I don't re-blog things. I actually write things.

Today, for example, I'm having one of those days where I've dressed up...
and now I don't feel like getting out of my pretty (on sale) dress because it makes me feel pretty!

But I guess I'll change into sweats and a tank and then I can feel casual/comfy/sexy. Maybe.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I was stupid stupid stupid and went on the suicide tag on tumblr. I don't know why. I think I thought I could do something good by going through the tags and sending the posters encouraging messages. I don't know if I made a difference. I hope I did.

...but now I feel absoluely shitty, and I haven't felt like this since, what, last year?

I want my love back, my adoration for the world. I had it yesterday. How did it slip away so quickly?

How did I let it slip away?

Good God. I have just realized that one of the girls I met here at University is very similar to the girl in my wedding dream. Really, really similar. I think. I'm not sure. Oh.

I had a dream last night where I was engaged to be married on Sept 15th. My fiancee (yes, the double e)'s name was Clare (it was actually something more difficult than that, and also more ambiguous in that it didn't actually give away a sex... Clare was her nickname). I don't know her in real life. She was so sweet and smart and wonderful. Just thinking about her makes me happy.

The thing is, though... I don't think I'm gay? Maybe I am? I don't know.

Sort of sad that the biggest problem I was having in my dream was thinking about how I would tell my father that I'm in love with a girl. I remember being really scared about this. Really nervous. I get the feeling he'd be really upset with me, that I'd disappoint him for being gay in my dream. Or in real life.

I don't know.

I want a Clare to cuddle with. I feel really lonely and scared for my piano exam. I want my Clare to hug and kiss and feel good with.

Cello Exam

I passed my cello exam with an 80%. I had walked out of the exam room fairly certain that I had failed (and fairly certain that on the odd chance that I didn't fail, I would have passed with, at the very most, a 72%), but with a smile on my face because I really could not have cared less. I had such a blast during my exam playing my repertoire (even though I sucked big time on my technique, my etude, my sight reading, and my orchestral excerpts) selections with J, the awesome, awesome pianist who accompanied me!

I'm so ridiculously happy about my result. Not because I really cared about the percentage (if I had cared, I'd have been upset when I walked out of that exam room, rather than feeling like I had just had the most fun I had had in a while!), but because it meant that I could tell my cello teacher that I did well -- even though he said to me right after my exam, right before he left to go to the airport where he was leaving for his holiday, that he was proud of me, regardless of the number.

I think I am hoping that he might say it again, but even if he doesn't, I think I'm just hoping to make him feel it, because I'm so proud to be his student.