SO I'm pretty sure I've been listening to C flirt with her new love interest for the last two hours. I guess this is what comes with rooming beside the girl who you asked out and who turned you down. Oh well -- it's not like I have any entitlement to C anyways. She can do what she likes. And if I'm jealous -- well, that's my own darn fault, now ain't it?

So C and I are living in the same building again, like last year, but she's in the room beside me. I've moved on, though of course sometimes I think about her and I blush a little. Moving on doesn't mean that everything just disappears. We're good friends now, though I wonder if we could have been closer friends had I not gone and told her about my gigantic crush on her. I feel like there is some restraint in our relationship because she knows I had a crush on her.

This is the exact reason why I'm cautious of overthinking my relationship with A. We're very good friends! I'd say A is one of my best friends that I've made at university (along with another A, another C, and some others). I think I've started to overthink my relationship, and I wonder if I'm overthinking myself into a crush. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship for such a silly reason as this.

I came out to her and told her that I liked her all in one bawling night. She turned me down, very gently. I was terrible and emotional and I feel so awful because she looked like she felt awful for turning me down because I was upset and if you ever read this, I'm so so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and  I totally respect your decision and I'm sorry.

Anyways, sometimes I feel fucking fantastic for coming out/telling her.
And then sometimes I don't.

Not sure?

Number of friends to whom I am out out: 4
Number of friends to whom I am ambiguous and super likely queer: 1
Number of friends to whom I am ambiguous and probably queer: 4

Also, she asked for a hug today and it was so lovely. Made me super happy!!!
Also, I think I'm a little jealous of her ex... They are hanging out again, a bit. And I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't like feeling this way!

I keep getting this overwhelming feeling to tell people that I'm queer. I don't know if I can say for sure that I'm gay because I don't know. I think I am, but I don't know.
And looking back on it all, its been quite a few years since my first crush on a girl. Now that some time has past and my frustration and anger and stress about having crushes on girls is starting to pass, I just feel like announcing it to my friends and then continuing on with life as normal! This is a weird feeling.

She says things sometimes that makes me feel like she's not at all interested in me as a potential romantic interest. She'll say things like she hates it when a friend confesses love to her and so 'ruins the friendship.' But then she'll say that if she likes someone, she'll keep it to herself. And that she's frustrated because we do often keep it to ourselves. So maybe I should tell her. But maybe I shouldn't.

I feel like my time is ticking because this Friday is the day where she goes TO MEET OTHER LGBTQ KIDS and I know she's looking for others and maybe I should ask her before hand or maybe--I don't know!

I have a total crush on her. My goodness. At least my sexuality crisis went quite smoothly. (This does not include the process of coming out... which hasn't yet happened yet. I hope it goes as smoothly.)

Although, just for the record, I doubt that I'm 100% gay any more than I am 100% heterosexual.
And, just for the record, I'm curious about whether there might be a bit of asexuality but maybe not.

She's just so beautiful. And what a darling she is. Brilliant, kind, charismatic! And my goodness, if you could hear her play the harmonica the way she played mine for me last night, you'd have a little crush on her too.